


freckled skies and stained seas

by stainedseas



Category: Will & Josh
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Male Character, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Couch Cuddles, Feels, First Kiss, Fluff, Gay, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Romance, Sweet, Teen Angst, Teen Crush, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-28 01:38:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15037877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stainedseas/pseuds/stainedseas
Summary: a simple story about two boys too in love for their own good, trying to get through life.josh is too focused on his paintings. will's only focus is josh's eyelashes and lips.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first novel and I hope you like it as much as I do. please support it a lot.  
> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

A faint smell of peroxide went through my nose as I flickered my eyes open. The lights were too bright so I gave up. I started to move my fingers and toes just to make sure everything was still working. Suddenly I felt something grabbing my wrist like life itself depended on it, and I held it back - I needed it. I didn’t care who it was. Maybe it was my mom, one of my few friends, my sister or simply a stranger.   
As my senses came back to me, I realized that there was an irritating beep playing in the distance and that my head felt like it was laying on a rock. Oh. I must be in a hospital. It’s not the first time. People usually don’t like hospitals, either because of the smell or because it reminds them of sad times. For me it’s different: somehow throughout my life I’ve always ended up here. I’ve been here too many times and for reasons I’m not proud of.   
I tried to open my eyes and adjust to the light one more time. The first thing I noticed was a disgustingly white wall. Funny how all of these facilities have white walls in hope they’ll relax their patients. I fucking hate them. They should just put colors everywhere and brighten the gloom. There were no doctors or other patients in my room, in fact the only person here was the one holding my hand. I moved my head slowly in what I thought was the right way. I saw a puffy face, a pair of reddened eyes and the wavy brown hair I loved so much - it was my best friend.   
I started rubbing circles on his hand and he looked at me with a miserable yet disappointing face (he seemed lost in his own thoughts). God, I missed those plump lips and flushed cheeks so much. I just smiled at him like it was the first time I saw that boy in my entire life, I smiled like nothing had happened yesterday or in the past few months.   
“You shouldn’t have done it.” His shaking voice hurt my soul. Such a beautiful person shouldn’t even think about being sad. However that saddened expression was my fault.   
Sometimes we have to be selfish.   
“Well, I’m here so it obviously didn’t work.” I laughed. I fucking laughed. I must be going crazy.   
“What? Please don’t joke about it! You’ve done this too many times. You can’t do it again. You can’t.” He started crying. “You have to promise you won’t try again. If you can’t do it for yourself, please do it for me. Just… Please, promise me.” His limp figure was now shaking and continuous sobs wrecked his body.   
“Hey. Hey. Sweetie, I’m okay. Everything’s okay. Come here.” I opened my arms and scooted a little to the side. He climbed the hospital bed and layed on my chest carefully like he was trying not to break a piece of glass. I secured my arms around him and kept my fingers in his hair, running through it.  
“Please. Please, promise me… Please.” He kept shedding tears.   
“Shhh just relax. I promise I’ll try. I promise. Shhh.” He held me tighter and slowly became more relaxed. We spent a few moments like this, just breathing each other in.  
“Hey Will. You’re practically on top of me.” I chuckled. He snuggled his face in the crook of my neck.   
“Sorry, but I’m not moving anytime soon.”   
“I wouldn’t want it any other way.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.   
I would miss him so much. I’d miss his laugh, his vanilla and apple smell, the way he saw the world, his passion for galaxies, his way of always cheering me up, everything. It’s strange how he’s my best friend and also my whole world. It seems cliché, but he’s the reason I want to live a little longer.   
Other people see life has the only thing, even thinking about dying sends chills to their bones because they’re so afraid of it. For me this life is just a passing by. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do because whatever’s next must be easier. At least that’s what I believe in. Death can’t be the end. Everything goes black and that’s it; your life didn’t matter, it was just 60 or 70 years in billions and billions. You did nothing with your little life in this little world.  
Religious beliefs basically exist because humans are too afraid of this end, so they invented something that claims that life will carry on.   
I want it to come, but I’m still afraid of it. I’m scared of losing Will, my sister and my mom. I’m scared of not having music, sunsets, paintings, coffee or the sea. I know I’ll miss many lovely things, but still sometimes I can’t find reasons enough to stay.   
“Josh? Josh! Are you listening to me?” Will was staring at me, eyes wide. “Are you okay? You look sad.”   
“Oh, it’s nothing. I was just thinking that if yesterday I had succeed I wouldn’t see your smile again.”   
“You’re so cheesy oh my god.”  
“Yeah, kind of. But it’s how I feel. I would miss you so much, probably more than music you know.”   
He looked dolefully at me and I just stared at my legs. I couldn’t see, but I knew there were big bandages on each leg. Will was stroking my hand as I saw him slowly leaning down and kiss my thighs where the pink straight lines on my skin were. It wasn’t a sexual thing, it was a gesture of him showing me that he cared and that he was there for me. I felt my eyes getting watery.   
“I’m not proud of them and I wish you never did this to yourself, but you shouldn’t be ashamed, much less in front of me.” He sat again close to me and put his arm around my waist.   
“I know. They’re kind of pretty, though. I don’t like them, but they’re pretty.” Will sighed and wiped my tears.   
“Did anyone come by today? Did you see my mom?”   
“Your mom was here this morning, but she had to leave to work. Your sister called a little before you woke up. And for the rest of the day it’s just me.” He grinned.   
“Wait, don’t you have classes all afternoon? What are you doing here? Look at the time, oh my god you should have gone to school two hours ago. Go! I don’t want you to miss classes because of me.”   
“Calm down, will you? I’m not going to school with you like this. I have priorities okay. And I already talked to my mom, she understands. You know she loves you right?” He laughed.   
“Oh okay and yes I know. She always makes cookies when I come over for some weird reason. Your mom is the best.”   
“Yeah, she is.”   
We stayed a little longer talking about random things and what had happened in school while I was gone until a doctor came into the room.   
“Good afternoon Josh. I’m Doctor Lee. I see that you’re feeling better and smiling again. I’m glad.” He picked up the files regarding my case and flipped through the pages. “Well, it seems like the cuts were a little too deep, but luckily you didn’t hit any major veins or arteries. You lost a lot of blood, though, so it might take a while to start walking. Either way, you may be able to do it in two days and if all goes well you can go home in five days. I should be going now, I’ll talk to your mother later. Get well, see you soon mister.” He waved goodbye and walked out the door.   
“What? Stay in bed for more that 24 hours? Ugh, I’ll have nothing to do all day.” Will sat back on his original spot, picked me up and put me on his lap.   
“Dumbass, be careful with the strings!” I leaned on him and layed my perforated arm by my side gingerly.   
“Hey don’t call me that dog breath! And by the way you won’t be alone today, I can stay the night if you want. And tomorrow I’ll come right after school.”   
“I would argue with you to sleep on your own bed, but I want you here too much.” I layed down closing my eyes as Will petted my head.   
“Just sleep for awhile. You need to rest.”   
I evened my breathes, trying to forget everything that happened in the past few days and concentrated on the scent of his shirt. I was almost lost to this world and beginning to enter the dream world when I heard a faint “I love you”. Yup, I was definitely already dreaming.


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

Do you ever think about failure? Well, I do and a lot. Failure is present in our insignificant human lives every day. It could be in school, at work, at home or in relationships. I can feel it when I receive a test; when my family looks at me and all they see is a let down; when my Will is upset with me. I can see it in my scars, in the mirror, in my blades. I can hear it in my own sobs, in my mother’s screams of anger, when my therapist says “You’re going to be okay”, when others laugh with and at me. It is a reality and we have to face it constantly. I do feel like a total and utter failure. Even at the things I love most in life I suck. I can’t play an instrument without messing it up, I can’t write without sounding cringy, I can’t dance and I can’t play sports without falling. I always find a way to disappoint Will too. Maybe he’s just staying with me because he pities me or to feel like he has a better life than me. I’m just really tired of everything - of feeling sad, of studying, of staying captive at home. I want to take my best friend’s hand and go: maybe drink coffee in a little café somewhere, maybe see the cherry blossoms in Japan, maybe sing my heart out at my favorite band’s concert. I simply want to do the things I love and stop wanting to die for once in my life.   
“Hey Will, do you ever think about travelling the world?” I sat in front of him crossing my legs.   
“Yeah of course. But I think more about travelling the universe. It’s so beautiful. In the distance it’s a stunning mixture of pink, purple, blue, black. It’s everything and more. If it has this much beauty hundreds of light-years away, could you imagine what the planets would look like from up close? Could you imagine all the peculiar creatures that might live there? And here we are, just some bags of bones and blood.”   
“Oh my love, you’re so much more than that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

“Looks like I’m finally going home.”   
“You have to be careful though. You can barely walk more than 10 minutes straight.” Will was helping me pack.   
“I never walk straight. But thanks mom.”   
“Speaking of moms, yours phoned me earlier and asked me if I could take you home, so I guess we don’t have to wait for her.”   
“Bless! Can we go buy some burgers? Please, pretty please!” I pouted and gave him puppy eyes.   
“Alright, fine, but just because you look cute.”   
“Yes! Look Will! I’m victoriously dancing.” I moved my arms in waves and jumped out of happiness.   
“But is it really a victory if you didn’t even fight?” He gave me a smug look. “Be careful, you’re going to ruin the stitches!”   
“I got really excited, sorry.”   
After we picked up the food we headed home with two large greasy paper bags. I walked through the front door and the first thing I did? Lay on my couch of course.   
“Oh baby I missed you so much.” I said petting my couch and smiling.   
“I missed you too.” Will laughed.   
“I was not talking to you mister.”   
“Okay, okay. I'll leave you two alone then.” He went to the kitchen.   
“No, don't go! You can't leave me alone. C'mere. Hug me.”   
“I was just going to grab the bags. Chill.” He chuckled. “Get up, I don't want to smash your legs.” He layed down and opened his arms. I slowly put my knees on both sides of his body, my head on his chest, my hands holding his jaw. I was looking to his spacey eyes and all I felt was pure joy. I smiled to myself thinking about this boy staring back at me and how much I loved him. I did and do love him. Initially I kept lying to myself and saying “no Josh you can't love guys, what will others think”. But I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter, I can love whoever I want. My only fear is that he doesn't love me back, at least in the same way as I do. He means so much to me and I couldn't take it if I ruined everything.   
“What're you thinking about handsome?”   
“Oh the usual, you, sleeping, you again.” I giggled.   
“Oh by the way I just realised that you're coming with me to school tomorrow. Yay!”   
“Ugh, don’t remind me please.” We picked up our fries and smoothies. Then I noticed a backpack that wasn't mine.   
“Will is that yours?”  
“Oh, yes it is. I forgot to tell you. I asked my mom if I could spend the night today because I wanted to make sure you slept okay, so this morning I packed my pajamas and such. I hope it’s alright with you.”   
“Aw of course, thank you. But you'll have to sleep in my room, though.” I grinned.   
“Wouldn't have it any other way.” He embraced me and held me tighter.   
Eventually my mom came home, yet my sister was busy with work as usual. I loved my sister more than anything and we were really close, but lately her job became a priority. Ever since my father left she has drown herself with work. It was the best to leave after what he did to my mom, and I'll never forgive him. Even though sometimes I miss him. I miss my memories, my childhood. If he met me nowadays, he’d probably disown me. He used to say he didn’t mind if I liked dudes, but he always joked about people who liked the same sex. I used to laugh at his jokes because I didn’t know any better. Well, now he’s not here, so it’s fine.   
“Josh I’m going to put my pajamas on, wait here.”   
“Okay.” I was already in pajamas because I always put them on when I get home, but I couldn’t exactly wear skinny jeans with my legs like this as well. A few minutes later he came back with nothing but some baggy sweatpants.   
“How can you not be cold right now?”   
“I don’t know. I’m never really cold and I’m going to your bed anyways, it has like a thousand blankets.”   
“Hey, no talking shit about my bed or you’re out of here.” I laughed and put myself under the sheets, covered to my neck.   
“Are you going to hibernate or is there any room for me?”   
I laughed moving to the side. He laid next to me and automatically put his arm around me. It has always been like this - every time we’re together he immediately finds a way of touching me somewhere, either on my leg, arm, waist. It’s his method of showing me he’s there right beside me, to let me know he’s real. When we first met we were never close, we barely talked. But he kept pushing and bothering me until I gave in. It was probably after I told him about my condition that we started to hang out more often. He was worried sick and he did everything to help me. Little did he know that just him being there was all I ever needed.   
“Are you comfortable? Do your legs hurt?”   
“Yes and a bit, but it’s okay. I don’t mind.” He tensed at my words and I moved closer trying to relax him. Only then I realized that there was a very shirtless boy in bed with me.   
Oh god.   
“Joshie you’re getting warmer. What’s wrong?” He grinned.  
“Nothing.” I blushed even harder. “Can I ask you something?”   
“Sure.”   
“Do you usually get sad?”   
He frowned. “Only when you get hurt or sad. Besides that, it doesn’t happen often, no.”   
“That’s good. The last thing I want is for you to be sad. And I’m sorry I’m the reason of it. I promise I’m trying with everything I got to be happy, but I can’t. Sadness is like a black deep well and once you fall in, it’s tough to get out. Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough and I’m too much of a pessimist. I’m responsable for my addictions. I could quit smoking, I could flush down my blades, but I’m too weak.” I sighed. “Fuck, I’m pathetic. There’s millions of ignorant people living their lives not even thinking about this shit. They’re so happy and don’t appreciate it. I’m probably sounding like a self-absorbed jealous bitch. Ugh, I just want to be okay again. The only things that stop this numbness are you and painting. I’m tired of depending on people or things because once they’re gone I won’t be able to survive.”   
“You’re the strongest person I know. You have to understand that. I’m so proud of you.” He kissed my temple. “You’ve made it this far. You can make it way farther. One day you’ll do anything you love with who you love. I promise you will. Just hang on a little longer, okay? I’ll prove you wrong.”   
“Okay. I lov… I care a lot about you, thank you.” I almost said it. Way to fuck it up Josh.   
“Me too.” His voice seemed scared and hesitant. Now he thinks I'm a clingy stupid guy. Great.   
“Let’s sleep, tomorrow is going to be a really long day.” He covered us both and turned off the lights.   
“Goodnight, sweetheart.”   
“Goodnight Will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

There was a foggy atmosphere. Weird. I thought it was supposed to be sunny today.   
I was walking into my house to get some food from the kitchen when my father walked through the front door.   
“Dad? What are you doing here? You know you can’t come in.” He passed by me like I wasn’t there and went right to my mom’s room. It used to be their bedroom. I followed him. My mom didn’t say a word, she stood there staring at him. He slowly approached her, took her arms pinning her to the bed as he took a pocket sharp knife from inside his leather jacket.   
“What! What are you doing asshole? Leave her alone now!”   
He turned his gaze towards me, grinning, to make sure I was watching. I tried to move, but my legs were glued to the floor, my arms were being pulled by an invisible force. I was screaming, yet no sound came out of my throat. I kept trying to move forward, but it seemed like a hundred pounds were pushing me back. My father leaned the knife towards her neck cutting it superficially. I screamed and screamed and all of a sudden my lungs started to fill with water. I was coughing, gasping for air to breathe, but my eyes stayed focused on the scene revealing before me. Now he was stabbing her in the ribs. The red stain spread like fire on the white sheets. I was suffocating, crying, whimpering, sobbing. This can’t be real. My mother’s eyes were turning lifeless and her fingers stopped moving. My dad span and looked at me like I was a deer caught in the headlights.   
“You’re next.”   
Swiftly I heard my name being called over and over again.   
I opened my eyes and saw a worried Will.   
“Josh! Wake up god dammit! Oh finally, you’re awake. Are you okay? What’s wrong? What happened?”   
“Hm? Will is this the real you?”   
“Of course it is my love.” He wiped tears I didn’t know existed from under my eyes, cupping my jaw and stroking my cheek.   
“What happened?” My voice was raspy and weak.   
“You started shaking in your sleep, screaming «no» repeatedly. Then you were sobbing, but I couldn’t wake you up. You looked terrified and like you were choking.”   
“I guess it was a pretty bad nightmare. I’m used to it, though. I get them almost every night. I usually don’t sleep with anyone and my mom is familiar with it. She used to check up on me everyday, but as time passed by she came here lesser until she stopped. I’m sorry to wake you up.”   
“You have nothing to be sorry about. It’s not your fault.” He set himself smoothly on top of me with a hand on my hip gently caressing the skin under my t-shirt and fiddling with the waistband of my sweats. My hands were on his back drawing patterns.   
“Do you want to talk about it?”   
“Not really, tomorrow I’ll tell you. For now I just want to stay like this.” I gave him a cheesy smile.   
“Okay. There’s only like an hour left until we have to get ready, so.”   
I ran my finger up and down his spine sending him chills. He looked in bliss, like he was enjoying it, so I kept doing it. He leaned his face next to my neck, his nose touching my jawline. My breath steadied while my heart rate went up a little. I could feel his hot breath and the hairs from the back of neck stood up. My fingers interwined on his curls, scratching his scalp as he laid open mouthed kisses down my neck. He kept trailing them on my jaw, my cheek, on the corners of my mouth. My heart immediately picked up a rapid pace. He was probably feeling it. Even I could hear it in my ears. I wanted to keep this moment forever, I wanted to do this for the rest of my life. Most people want to follow their dreams, change the world, help others. I just want this. I want this particular person kissing my neck and whispering sweet nothings till the rest of eternity. I swear to god this boy is going to be the death of me.   
He started to move my shirt up a little bit, brushing his fingertips on my middle ever so lightly. I lifted my torso so he could take it off.   
“Is this okay?”   
I nodded smiling like a fool too in love to even think straight. Our bare chests were touching while he continued touching his plump lips against my pale skin and hovering my mouth. He looked like he wanted to kiss it but he was indecisive. So, with the little courage I had I closed the gap between us. It was just a simple innocent kiss. He tasted like mint mixed with something else and I don’t even know why, but this had just become my favorite flavor in the whole universe. He kissed me over and over again, getting longer and deeper, nibbling on my lower lip. The kisses were needy, desperate, passionate. Our lips were swollen and tingling, our tongues dancing, teeth clashing together. His hands were touching all over, squeezing my side. We stopped to catch our breaths and I took that opportunity to straddle him, turning us around so I could be on top. He gasped as I started bitting his neck, leaving marks all the way through. Even I was surprised at my sudden confidence. He lowered his soft hands down my back to my bottom, giving it a reassuring squeeze. I jumped, a little startled by his mood change. We started to make out again, delicately grinding on each other as little moans escaped our mouths. Will mumbled slurred words I couldn’t quite catch.   
“What did you say?”   
“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter means a lot to me. it's my personal favorite.  
> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

Love. It’s overrated and underrated. Those three words are said too much and not enough. Nobody wants to really talk about this feeling, but that’s what’s wrong. Love is what this godforsaken place needs. Everyone says this, but they don’t really think about the meaning of it. Love can kill, cure, hurt. Go ahead and call me a cheesy punk ass for believing this, I don’t care. We have to believe this. Humans have to understand what love is and what love does. Obviously we still don’t know what it is. We figured out that it’s a chemical reaction in our fragile bodies. Yet it’s so much more than that. There’s no symptoms, no prognostic, nothing that physically warns us. Sometimes it grows with time, other times it hits us in the face with a brick. But we know. We know how it feels, when it feels and why. For me it’s a bubbly feeling similar to soap bubbles filling my stomach, going through my lungs and out of my mouth. Weird, I know. But it’s what happens when I hear my favorite song, read my favorite book and look in the eyes of my Will. Two years ago I still hadn’t fallen in love and I thought I was okay with being alone. I couldn’t be more wrong. That guy proved me otherwise, he filled a void I didn’t even know existed.   
Unfortunately it can’t heal everything and anything. Regardless of the love I feel, it won’t take my mental illnesses away, it won’t stop me from wanting to die. It helps a lot, but it’s like a drug. Once it’s gone, I won’t survive. It’s like a distraction to mask how lifeless I truly feel. I still get sad all the time. Despair and hopelessness didn’t go away. At the end of the day I still want to disappear.   
People think when you’re in love everything falls in place and your problems just magically don’t exist anymore. It’s not that easy. “If you have a girlfriend/boyfriend why are you still sad?”. It doesn’t work like that. Of course it’s very important and if it wasn’t for that green eyed boy I definitely wouldn’t be here. It’s just that sometimes the pain is too powerful and I can’t think of anything but how to stop it. Anything but dying. On my worst days it’s like there’s a wall surrounding me stopping me from seeing the delightful things I have. On the one hand, it’s incredibly frustrating because there’s millions around the world who are suffering and don’t even have a roof over their heads. On the other hand, there’s people like me who struggle every day to fight the demons in our heads.   
When I was younger I promised myself I would never smoke, drink, do drugs or other reckless things. Nevertheless here I am, sitting on top of the walls around my school smoking my third cigarette. I used to care so much about these things and it wasn’t because I heard my parents’ advices. I promised myself I wouldn’t be like others, that I would always do my own thing. But I gave in to one of the most trivial addictions in the world. I don’t smoke as a result of peer pressure or family influences. In fact I don’t really know anyone who smokes. This past summer I started to have dreams where I smoked. In them I felt every little thing - the polluting element in my lungs touching its walls, the taste it left on my tongue, the way it exhaled out of my nose. I got keen on it.   
I didn’t have any other addictions beyond these killer sticks and painting; neverthless this morning I found my new one, and I think it won’t go away that easily. Those fucking lips, man. I’m not the most experienced person in the subject as I never found relationships amusing, they never caught my attention. But I swear those lips could change the world. They sure changed mine.   
Earlier when I heard those words falling from his pretty little mouth I couldn’t breathe, I was in complete shock. My heart stopped and started to beat faster at the same time. The air from my lungs was gone. I stared vacantly at him wanting to say it back, but my mouth had dried, my vocal cords were unable to touch and produce any type of sound. I got up and sat down next to him crossing my legs. I think I heard him asking if I was okay, but all I could hear was my heart pounding out of my chest and my mind thinking too much too fast. I think I had a panic attack, I don’t really remember. I just know I walked out of my room towards the bathroom: I turned on the cold water and sat on my bathtub under the sprinkler. I leaned my head against the wall behind me thinking I had fucked up everything we had built for the past two years. Eventually Will followed me, kneeling by the edge of the tub and trying to calm me down.   
“Christ, you’re going to freeze.” He shut off the water, took my sweats off and put a towel around me. “Hey, if you don’t feel the same way I understand.” He looked like a sad puppy. “You don’t have to do anything even if you feel obliged to.” I got off the tub and sat on his lap resting my head against his chest. I still couldn’t speak a word. “Please say something, anything, even if it’s to make me go away. Please talk to me.” He seemed on the verge of tears. I had to keep my shit together.  
“I…” I cleared my throat. “I love you.” Did I really say that? Good job Josh, at least you don’t fuck up all the time.   
“You know you don’t have to say it back, though. Only if you mean it.”   
“I do. I mean it.” He smiled brightly.   
“I’m so happy you do. I love you so much.” He kissed my cheek.   
“I think I’ve always loved you. I just couldn’t admit it myself. I’m sorry”   
“I already told you, you have nothing to be sorry about.”   
After that rollercoaster of events, we went to school like nothing had happened. I didn’t pay attention to anything really, I don’t remember if anyone spoke to me. School was a blur, like a gap in my memory. I had too much to reflect on. So here I was: still in school after it closed. I told him I needed to be alone for a while.   
Making the decision to go to the beach I picked up my backpack. The sea has always soothed me. The sound of the waves crashing, the blue view, the sand grains between my toes, the smell of seaweed. I loved it all. This place was the most quiet during winter, it was just me and thoughts. I went down the dunes towards the waterside, laying down on the sand and facing the sky. Closing my eyes I focused on my surroundings. It was peaceful and pure. I don’t know how to describe it, but coming here makes me feel like everything’s going to be okay.   
Abruptly my chain of thoughts was interrupted by an annoying ringtone. Shit, it was my phone. I picked it up from my back pocket and answered it without seeing the caller ID.   
“Hello?”   
“Josh? Are you okay? I was getting worried... You’ve been gone for a couple of hours.” It was Will.   
“I’m fine. I’m at the beach.”   
“Oh. Wait for me, I’m coming there. See you soon”. He hung up the phone.   
We never really liked to talk over the phone. It seemed so fake, so unnatural. Either way we were always together, so it didn’t make a difference. We could have three life changing exams the next day, yet we ended up spending the day together.   
No more than fifteen minutes had passed when I heard footsteps behind me. Someone sat down on my side and I kept my eyes closed. I felt a couple of soft fingers brushing my hair oh so delicately.   
“Do you think we’re moving too fast?”   
“Will, we’ve been closer than anyone I know for two years. I don’t think that’s a problem.” I opened my eyes and saw a worried expression.   
“I guess you’re right, but I’m not sure. Of course I know I love you. I’ve been loving you for a long time, even when we passed by each other in the corridors.” He chuckled. “It’s just that my parents don’t even know who I like. Of course they know about you, but they think we’re just really close friends. I don’t actually have other friends, only acquaintances. And you know the people from school. They’re ignorant homophobic assholes. I want to show the world who I love, but I don’t want to get hurt or even worse, I don’t want you to get hurt.”   
“You’re thinking this over too much. Do what you think it’s right and if they even dare to lay a finger on you they’re dead. Regarding to your parents the right moment will come. They’re the sweetest people I know, I’m sure they’ll love you just the same.”   
“Does your mom know about us?”   
“She knows I’m not the straightest person ever, but I haven’t officially told her. She knows how close we are and I think she suspects we’re together.” I shrugged my shoulders.  
“Wait, are we together?”   
“We are if you want us to be.” He smiled at me and I knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/


	6. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

“Hello? Josh? Is that you? What happened?”   
“I’ve done it again Will, I’ve ruined everything. I’m so so sorry… Please, forgive me…” My hand trembled while I held the phone to my ear, covering it with blood.   
“It’s okay baby. Just hang on in there for a bit. I’m going there right now.” As Will hang up I sank deeper in the tub. There was no water filling it and I stood there in my underwear feeling the cold porcelain against my bare thighs. I stared emotionlessly at the white bathroom wall wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.   
Pain has always been a coping mechanism. Pain makes me feel alive, it let’s me know I’m a human being. Ever since I turned thirteen I’ve used it as resource to stop crying. Back then I was naive thinking that scratching my wrists was okay and that it was a good solution. I guess I still am, but now I do much worse. You can hurt yourself in a hundred different ways, cutting is just the quickest method to cause the most affliction. When the sharp blade hits my skin it’s like that dreadful feeling goes away for a while, it’s like I can breath again. I enjoy everything about it - the clean cut, the blood streaking down my leg, the mark it leaves when it’s healed. It calms me down. I hate to think that anyone else does this. But I’m the exception, I’m the only one who can do it.   
The only real way to cure pain is to add a little more, because everything new distracts the old. Others think that people like me do this for attention, because we’re angsty teenagers who believe nobody understands us. But we don’t want to do this. Once you start, it becomes an addiction and you begin using it to solve any irrelevant problem. It corrupts you. If I wanted attention I would do it on my wrists and wear t-shirts every day. Instead I do it near my knee, on my thighs, on my hips. I could never do it on my wrists. I see them as something fragile, delicate and pure. If I got carried away I would probably bleed to death, but since it’s on my leg I can do it over and over again without worrying.   
I spend the day okay because I distract myself - I hang out with Will, I study, I watch tv shows or movies. Throughout the day I don’t have time to think, I’m too focused on others to even think about myself. However at the end of the day when I’m home alone and I’ve done my tasks it all comes crashing down at once. It’s like a savage animal that is kept in a cage for a long time and when you let it free, it unleashes all his rage on you. Today was one of those days: after I had dinner I decided to go to sleep, but as soon as my head hit the pillow I started to overthink everything until I couldn’t handle it anymore. Panic and fear struck me, my heart started beating so fast. It felt like I was going to pass out and have a heart attack at the same time. So, as I always do, I sat on my tub, stripped myself and cut. Every time I hurt myself I do it deeper than the time before to extend the pain. But today I went too far. Although I just did one, the bleeding wasn’t stopping. My sister and my mom were working so I did the only reasonable thing - I called my boyfriend at 4 a.m. I wasn’t even crying. I almost never cry when I relapse, I stare blankly and try to control my breathing.   
“Josh? Where are you?” He has an emergency key for when things like this happen. It was my mom’s idea.   
“Bathroom.”   
Quickly Will was at the door. He was still in his pajamas with ruffled hair and panting for air. He looked at me and I saw the shock in his eyes as he realised I was covered in blood from the waist down. Approaching me with quivering limbs he kneeled near me.   
“Sweetie… What happened? Why?” He had tears in his eyes.   
“I don’t know… I couldn’t sleep and my head was being too loud.”   
“C’mere.” He lifted me up and sat me on the toilet. “You promised me… You didn’t keep your promise... “ He reached for the first aid kit, picked up what he needed and started cleaning my leg and preparing a bandage.   
“I know, I’m sorry. I couldn’t breath and this was all I could do to fix it.”   
“You could’ve called someone! You could’ve taken a cold shower! You could’ve done a lot of things!”   
“I know, I know. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this, I’m such a failure.” I put my forehead against his.   
“You’re not. You just need help.”   
“I’m trying.” He kissed my cheek, brushing his fingertips gently against my neck causing me to shiver.   
“You should change your boxers, though. Do you want me to do it for you?”   
“No. But you could take a shower with me.” If it wasn’t us this would have been an invitation for sex. However this was Will and he knew what I meant, he understands how much I love showers. The warm water running down my face towards my back was the most relaxing thing in the world. It was the only place I didn’t think. There was something about water touching you everywhere that I loved, it reached every inch of your body. Showers are so immensely intimate.   
“Don’t look.” I pulled my underwear off with my back facing him. Turning the water on I put my face right under it and soon enough I felt his head against the back of my neck, his hands over my stomach.   
“You know you’re beautiful, right?” I laughed   
“I’m not so sure about that. You know how I feel about my body.” I shifted around, my eyes only looking at his.   
“You can look.” I did.   
“You’re very beautiful too.”   
“Thank you, handsome.” He put his hands on my sides and his head on the crook of my neck. “You’re going to make it. You’re going to be so big one day, change the world with your art, your writing, your music. You have a gorgeous mind.”   
“I really don’t want to be sitting at a desk for the rest of my life doing something I despise. I want to do what I love. I just want you, to be honest. You and painting.”   
“Sometimes I think you love painting more than me.” I chuckled.   
“Creating art does mean a lot to me. It’s the only constant in my life, the only thing that’s always been there and I know for sure that will continue to be there. It’s kind of weird to be talking like this about just some colours on a piece of paper. For me painting is a need as much important as air. I don't know any way else to describe it. I can’t go a day without scribbling someting. It doesn’t work. But I guess painting is present anywhere and anytime. If you look closely you can find it in nature, in a city, in media, etc. Just look for it and you’ll find it.”   
“I love your mind sometimes. Your vision of the world fascinates me. Seriously, it does. I could hear you talk for hours.” I hugged him and even though there were two completely naked teenagers under sprinkling water, this moment couldn't be any more innocent. My chest was against his, my face on his neck, our legs somehow intertwined.   
“We should go to sleep. I haven’t closed my eyes all night.”   
“Okay let's go sleepyhead.”   
I wrapped myself in a towel on the way to my room. I got dressed, picked up my pack of cigarettes and went to the balcony. On a cool dawn I stood sitting on the edge of the fence smoking the last cigarette of the day. Right then I needed it more than anything.   
“Those things are going to kill you. You’ll have to quit one day.”   
“One day. Just not today or tomorrow.”   
Will went back laying on my king sized bed and waiting for me. He was with his hands under his head, wearing an oversized t-shirt with a faded logo and borrowing some of my shorts. My room was often pretty tied, destroying the typical stereotype of a teenage boy. I was always a freak for organization. If anything was out of place I would blow up instantly. In front of the giant place where I slept there was a tiny desk with my art work spread all over, with some of it on the walls. And at the end of bed there was na old looking chest filled with my art supplies, my CDs and some photo albums. The room was painted in a light beige and had tiny personal things scattered everywhere, including framed photographs of me and Will. It wasn't much, but it was mine and I loved it.   
With one last blow I threw the deadly stick away and settled next him.   
“One day I’ll be working at NASA and I’m going to figure out a way to take you to see the most astonishing stars. I figured out a while ago what I wanted out of my life. That’s it. Watch stars born, live and die, go see purple worlds, black holes, twisted galaxies, a million white dots in dark skies. Probably impossible, but I’m not using my life for anything else. I want to watch the prettiest things with the prettiest boy.”   
“Will, you are my whole life and my whole universe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/


	7. VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

Why do I always feel like everyone is better than me? Everyday I see extraordinary people doing extraordinary things with their extraordinary lives while I’m just sitting here doing nothing with my ordinary life. Everything I do is average. They say “find what you love and make it a career”. Well, I can’t play instruments, drawing is a hobby I’m shitty at and writing is a scheme to help me. Putting my thoughts into words was never a thing until a few months ago. My doctor said it would be a good way to relieve my mind.   
All around me there’s teenagers who write as beautifully as Milan Kundera, paint as marvelously as Van Gogh and sing as sublimely as Tracy Chapman. Meanwhile I’m laying on my bed having existential crisis and being too afraid of failure to pick up my pencils. I don’t have a clue to what to do with my life because: one, I can’t do what I love and two, I don’t expect to live many more years. There isn’t one thing that outstands in me. I’m just a kid who has too many obsessions to stop wanting to die and even death has become an obsession. When I was about twelve I cried myself to sleep thinking about dying. Now I cry myself to sleep because I want to die.   
Ever since I was little I didn’t have other people to talk to. My parents and my grandma worked too hard, my sister was at university and I actually didn’t have friends. The only real friend I had turned out to be a disrespectful asshole, so I shut myself from everyone else. I taught myself how not to love or get too attached to someone. Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting alone in this world and fear is what motivates me. I get so afraid of anything and end up doing nothing. I’m so scared of being alone, of getting better, of growing up, of having responsibilities, of people. I’m still waiting for the day when my therapist says I'm a hopeless case or my mom says im a disapointment or Will says I’m disgusting.   
I’m not made for this world, if God exists he made a mistake putting me in it. I’m still searching for the feeling of inclusion. I didn’t belong in my water polo team, in the art club, in any of my classes and I don’t feel wanted in my own home. Even within friends, who you supposedly choose, I don’t feel needed. I’m an outcast in this universe. I’m a half filled cup, half empty and half full. However I have the hope there’s some world we haven’t found that accepts people like me. I have a strong belief that every single human has a purpose in this place. Maybe my purpose is to love Will or to paint or to read as many books as possible, but that doesn’t work in the real world and with our society. Maybe my purpose is to enjoy life, but reality wants me to study things I hate and work at a place I’ll probably loathe. Honestly money is such a vile concept. If it weren’t for money we would do what the hell we wanted and when we wanted to. Instead we have depressed and anxious people more concerned with the demands of society than with their own mental health. We can speak or protest, but we are not going to change the world. Who wants to take the responsibility of antagonizing society? People are too self-centered to care about this matter.   
I was ranting in my own head when the school bell that announced the end of today’s lessons interrupted me. Today was a bad day and I don’t say this often, impressively. Will was sick and couldn’t come to school so I was basically screwed. The only reason I didn’t get beat up was because of his height and strong figure and once I was always with him the bullies were too scared to approach me. I packed up my stuff as quick as possible and sprinted through the corridors on the way to my locker.   
“Hey faggot! Where’s your little boyfriend?” A blond buff guy came near me shoving my slim figure against the lockers. It was Alex Johnson, the biggest homophobe in the building. He was probably gay, living with a christian family and dealing with daddy issues, though.   
“I asked you a question! Did he get tired of your ugly face? Who would want you, right? You’re just a nobody whose father didn’t want. Did your dad beat you up like he beat your mother? Because you’re a pansy fuck who sucks dicks in secret?” He wrapped his hand around my throat so I couldn’t breath. I felt like my eyes were about to pop out of my skull and and mouth was searching for any evidence of air.   
“Answer me son of a bitch!” He threw me on the floor, violently kicking my stomach. I was huddled in a ball with my arms around me trying to protect myself and taking the blows as they went. After a while of torturing my organs he decided to grab me by the collar and punch me in the face. This was definitely going to leave bruises. I gasped for air as blood scattered all over my mouth, my nose and my cheekbones. I let myself get beat over and over again because there was no purpose in fighting back. I didn't have the muscles and he was three times my size. Everything he said was indeed very true, I kind of deserved this. There was no one in the corridors, no teachers passing by. It was like the world wanted this to happen.   
“You should just die! Who would want you here? No one is here to help you. No one cares fag!” He kept throwing his fists against my head, my chest and my middle. I was shaking, coughing up blood with no oxygen in my lungs. My eyes were closed, but I could feel everything around me trembling. I was starting to get light-headed because of the lack of air. The bastard on top of me didn’t give up and stood beating the living shit out of me. He smacked my frame against the tiles with my head hitting them repeatedly. His fists were being thrown at me from every angle, I could feel the floor against the bones on my back and my arms were laying numb. I could feel blood coming out of everywhere as well as my body throbbing from hurting too much. My insides were twisted, my nose and some ribs were most likely broken, all the elements of my face were also swollen. Slowly his voice seemed like it was coming from a distance and I was feeling less pain as my heartbeat slowed. My senses were slipping out of my fingers. Even with my eyelids down I could feel everything getting blurred at the same time that my body stopped squirming. And with one last crack everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/


	8. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

“Josh! Josh! Please wake up. Oh god please wake up!” I heard a muffled voice coming from a distance. I couldn’t move, it was like I was paralyzed, my arms and legs stuck on the floor. It took me a few seconds to process what had happened. Oh right, I was still in school thanks to some jackass that decided to beat the homo out of him. For fuck’s sake, just admit it dude. The world is not going to end because you like the same sex.   
I felt someone’s fingertips tapping my face lightly in hopes of making me move or get up. I ended up opening my eyes, taking them a while to properly adapt to what was around me. The first thing I noticed was that the sky was already dark. I must’ve been gone for some hours now. People must be worried, it wasn’t normal at all me being this late. I was always home by 5 p.m. Afterwards I beheld a very familiar expression - Will’s concerned face, and I just smiled at him.   
“Josh, who the fuck did this to you? Are you okay?” My face hurt to move, I couldn’t breathe well and I didn’t even dare to move anything else, I already knew I definitely had some broken bones. My mouth was dry, my eyes were humid and my neck couldn’t bring my head up. My body wasn’t cooperating, it had shut off.   
“Water…” My voice was raspy and it was barely a whisper. The brunet passed me his bottle, helping me slowly take sips. “Everything hurts Will, I think I broke something.”   
“Oh baby… I’m going to take you to the hospital right now and later on you can tell me how this took place.” He carefully put an arm around my back, the other one under my legs and tried to lift me. I whimpered quietly in pain, trying not to worry him, all the way to his car. He sat me on the passenger’s sit, took the wheel in his hands and drove relentlessly. We were silent, keeping our thoughts to ourselves. The atmosphere was tense and slightly awkward. I should tell him about Alex, but my body spoke otherwise. Stings of pain hit everywhere, worsening when we drove by speed bumps. I was overthinking nothing and every little thing at once, taking me aback. The air around seemed to dissipate, leaving me gasping for oxygen. I took deep breaths repeating random numbers in my head - it was a way to calm me down and it always worked.   
When we arrived I was immediately attended by a doctor, probably because I was a kid whose clothes were dripping blood. While I was being diagnosed, Will was calling our moms warning them where we were and in which state I was in.   
After the doctor was done, I was informed that I had a broken nose, two broken ribs, a broken clavicle and that I had to stay home for at least one to two weeks. Fantastic. The good news were that I could skip P.E. for six weeks, so everything was not that bad. We were back in the car, with me covered in ligatures and my hands full of meds on our way home.   
“By the way my mom said I could stay at your place for the next couple of days to take care of you. She really loves you”. Will chuckled.  
“Rad.” I couldn’t bring myself to talk. I was overwhelmed by everything and trying to organize my thoughts. This type of thing occurred quite a lot. Every time I go through something bad or my sadness prevails I stay days without speaking to anyone. It’s my way of dealing with things, I isolate myself from the world pretending nothing exists except my paintbrush and my music. I know this isn’t the best way to get better, I blame it on my personality. When I was little I didn’t talk much, always keeping my opinions to me. In fact the only person who could pull anything out of me was my grandmother, but now she’s gone. A day doesn’t go by without me missing her. People say I should have already moved on. I think I never really will.   
Walking like a turtle I got out of the car directly to my room without waiting for the other boy. I laid on the floor on top of my carpet and stared at the ceiling. I also did this a lot when I was younger. It was a weird habit, I just thought it was very comfortable and the cold relaxed me. I sighed.   
It’s strange how I have a need to be alone at certain times and other times I physically need someone with me. If I don’t spend some hours by myself my system doesn’t function. Something goes wrong in my head, I get crazy. I had the bad experience of being two full weeks imprisoned with my family. Let’s just say that my mind didn’t cooperate well. However some days I find myself needing someone’s presence so much I can’t breath. It’s mostly Will’s, though. I miss him so much my body doesn’t want to move, like all the energy was drained. I don’t know how another human being can do this to me, I guess this is what love feels like. There isn't any other feeling so strong that affects us this way.   
Will knocked on the door and came in looking pissed off.   
“You know you can’t avoid me like you used to. The silent treatment doesn’t work anymore.” I didn’t respond, continuing to look at the dust undulating in the air.   
“Stop acting like a kid. You have to face your problems and talk about bad things or we can’t help you. You can’t turn back after all you’ve succeed.” My mouth was still shut. Everything was just a little too much right now and my mouth couldn’t bring itself to form words. My thoughts were escaping through my fingers and my toes, and for every breath I took my desire of wanting to disappear increased.   
“Josh! Answer me! Man up and talk!” My breath hitched. I closed my eyes letting him scream at me.   
“You know what? I’m done with this. I’m done with your fucking silence. I’m done with your moody attitudes. I’m done with your sickness. I’m done with hospital trips. I’m done with everything here and now. Call me when you’ve decided to grow some balls. ” He vanished through the door, closing it with a bang. I put my arms around my torso and stood where I previously was without moving an inch. Well, now I’ve literally fucked up everything good in my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/


	9. IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

Have you ever had those times when you just feel terrible? Just plainly and completely awful for no reason at all, the same as a broken heart? I do believe you can have a broken heart without it resulting from a relationship. As a matter of fact its definition is “despair” or “devastating sorrow”. My heart is utterly crushed, to the point that the tiny pieces are so smashed that there’s nothing to glue them back together. I don’t have a clue of how to fix a soul, but you know what they say: time fixes everything. The catch is that I don’t want time, I have no patience left. Getting better is hard, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. I’m at a phase in my life where I see no point in fighting, in carrying on. Honestly what’s the point of living a scrawny life when you can’t even do what you want freely? You can say my philosophy of life is quite sad or depressing, but everyone has beliefs and this is mine. My therapist says that even if the afterlife is easier, life is much better than death. She also says that my case is easy to treat. She looks at me as if I were just someone who is too confused and can’t control their own head. It feels like she doesn’t give me attention and in all honesty all I want is a bit of attention. It might seem like a very egocentric thing to say, but for once in my life I want to feel like I matter and that my problems matter. People are to passive, they ignore others’ problems because they’re not theirs. I want them to revolt, scream and struggle. Most times I don’t even want to look at the only people that actually care about me. I’m too jealous of their non-fake laughs and incessant care-free giggles. Their happiness puts hatred in my eyes - hatred towards them and hatred towards myself for being too horrible of a person. It doesn’t make any sense.   
I was back at the beach with my head all fuzzy from thinking too much and having too many feelings at the same time. These days my mind is equivalent to a typical teenager’s bedroom - every object out of place, dirt on every surface, things being where they shouldn’t be. Everything is so confusing and mashing together. I can’t clear my mind even with the sounds of waves crashing into each other, sand moving swiftly and water bubbling. Too many things have happened in the last few weeks and my brain can’t process them in a conducive way. I complain about everything that’s wrong and don’t talk enough about what’s right. But even when I do talk about what I love, in the back of my head the thought of me annoying others eats me alive. I am perfectly aware that I suffer for everyone else, I treat this world as if it is something so fragile or delicate. It’ not, though. Sometimes I forget that behind all the suffering there’s mighty strength.   
Nowadays I keep a mental list of the things that make me feel good. It’s basically constituted by seawater, songs, ice cream, cold breezes and dreamless nights. Will is another completely different story. Ever since he yelled at me we haven’t talked nor looked at each other. At school I stay away as far as possible. Moreover, a few days ago my phone died and I didn’t even bother to charge it again. I’ve been eating once or twice a day and sleeping 2-3 hours if I get lucky enough to close my eyes. Besides classes the only reasons I abandon the comfort of my bed are showers, eating when my mom demands and changing clothes. I think the last time I had a full conversation with someone was about two days ago when my sister asked for help on a stupid task. I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I’m partially anticipating an apology since he hasn’t said a thing to me for a while now. On the other hand I don’t think I should say sorry, I have the right to expect some decency of him. The day we argued serious shit happened, we were both out of place and we weren’t rationalizing. It’s probably both our faults. We were in no state at all to ponder and figure stuff out.   
I guess I’ll just sit back and wait for what the future holds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/


	10. X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

There are two kinds of pain in this world: the physical and the emotional. The first one is caused by a bruise, a burn or it happens when there’s something wrong within your body. The second one is atrocious, deplorable. It crushes your insides, it’s a weight on your chest – as if something is pressuring it and you can’t breath. You can even feel it on your fingertips, on the hairs on the back of your neck, on your arms. When it’s at its peek, the pain becomes physical and it’s like thousands of gallons of water are inside your lungs, wild fire is spreading along your skin and cancer is running in your bloodstream.  
This is how I’ve been feeling for the last week. After Will stopped talking to me, I felt numb: nothing and nobody could get to me. But after a bit, it all came crashing down on me. I stopped going to school for a few days because even the idea of walking past him in there scared the living shit out of me. What frustrates me the most is that I’m here without even being able to do daily tasks and he seems fine, without a single trace of dysphoria. The last time I saw him he had a big smile on his face from laughing along with his friends. He acts like I don’t exist anymore, like he hadn’t said anything. This is why I promised myself this morning I would call him and work things out with talking. I didn’t care if I was being needy or if I was begging for him to take me back. Because I was. I do want him back. I need him back.  
Once again, I ditched school and sat on the sofa with my phone on my hand debating if I should make the call. It’s not like my mom cared. She didn’t know I was absent and the school didn’t bother to talk to her about me. Fine by me. I unlocked my lockscreen, pressed his contact name and then the calling symbol. Just fuck it. What do I have to lose anymore? I already lost him, there’s not much else that can be taken away from me. My phone rang a few times until a groggy voice answered me.  
“Hello?” Damn, I missed that voice.  
“Hey, it’s Josh.” Awkward silence. “You probably don’t want to listen to me right now, but I was wondering if you wanted to meet me somewhere. To talk.”  
“I guess I can. I’ll be at your place in ten. Is that okay with you?”  
“Yeah, it’s fine. Bye.” I ended the call. Well, he sounded upset. At least he agreed to see me. I already had the speech prepared in my head, but I didn’t think I’d get this far. My hands were getting sweaty, my heart was racing, my legs were trembling. What if he still thinks I have a stupid decease? What if he’s too tired to put up with my stupid ass? What if I’m too sad for him? What if he found someone better who could actually give him the love he deserves? There were a lot of “ifs”. My mind was exploding from doubt every second that passed by when suddently I heard someone ringing the bell. I slowly walked to the door and turned the knob to open it. In front of me stood a limp boy, looking like a truck had hit him. He was so happy in school, how can he be like this now? His eyes were somewhat colorless, there were bags under them, his nails were bitten to the core, his clothes weren’t washed. He was so terrible in so many ways it hurt me.  
“You can come in.” He dragged his body towards the living room, standing still waiting for me.  
“Why haven’t you been talking to me?” I confronted him.  
“I… I don’t actually know.” He seemed reluctant. “I think I was afraid. I still am actually.”  
“Afraid of what?” I sat on the armchair and Will on the sofa opposite to me.  
“Of losing you, I suppose.”  
“Losing me? If you’re so afraid of losing me why did you say all that shit to me? I don’t think I deserved to hear that, especially from you and especially on that day.” I was pissed off by now.  
“That day we were both disturbed with what had happened. You know this. I was already angry and hurt, and you not speaking just made it worst.”  
“You were hurt? After I had been punched till unconsciousness you were fucking hurt?”  
“Yes, I was. You were not the only one suffering that day. I stood five whole hours searching for you worried to my guts. Something really bad could have happened to you and I would have been oblivious to it, not knowing how to help you. You think that was good for me? Like I wasn’t hurt by that? You think that all this shit you’ve been through doesn’t affect me? Of course it affects me dumbass. Everytime you’re hurting, I’m hurting. Everytime you get sad, I get sad. I’m more than done with depression, but it’s because I can’t see you in pain anymore. I’m tired of seeing sadness in those eyes. I’m just really tired of all of this.”  
“If you’re feeling like that, then why were you always joking around with your buddies at school?”  
“I was hiding how I was really feeling. I couldn’t walk around school looking like a zombie, could I? Everyone would start asking too many questions and I was not in the mood for that.” He sighed. “So, why didn’t you show up? I was starting to get worried…”  
“I couldn’t bring myself to look at you. That smile was what scared me the most. I couldn’t comprehend how you were doing so fine while I was here too dismal to get out of bed.” I looked at my hands fiddling with my fingers.  
“I’m sorry for making you feel like that. I’m sorry for what I said to you. I’m sorry for being away. I’m just sorry and… And I really miss you, ok? I wasn’t in the place to act like I did. I should have thought about the consequences. I don’t even know why I said that, really. It was so childish of me.”  
“Hey it’s ok, I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t shut myself from you. I know better. I’m still a little pissed, though. You could have called or texted or anything…”  
“I should’ve. You don’t know how sorry I am.” He looked at me in the eyes for the first time since he came in. He smiled at me. We were two kids too in love and too sad for our own good, but that innocent smile made me think that everything would be alright in the end. I believe that’s the purpose of a human being - find someone who you’d live and die for, the person whose laugh could cure anything. I smiled back, letting him know I had missed him too. And with that, he spoke.  
“You know that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life.” I stood up, my eyes already watery, and sat next to him. “That’s what I was thinking the first time you kissed me. Josh, I couldn’t love you more even if I wanted to. Every single thing you do makes me fall for you a little deeper. The way you use your paintbrush. The concentration in your eyes when you string your fingers along the cords of your guitar. The nerdy look you get when you’re too invested in a book. The aura of bliss you have whenever you’re listening to your favorite singer. The love you put in your lyrics. Each thing you do keeps me breathing.” I stayed in awe staring at him. I couldn’t believe he had said that. Not even in my wildest dreams I could imagine him saying something like this. My mouth wasn’t able to form any coherent words and I felt a warm liquid running down my cheeks. He took my hand stroking it with the pads of his thumbs. He gradually approached me, his face so close to mine I could feel his breath on my eyelashes. His finger caressed my bottom lip detaching it from the other. His touch was so gentle, so careful not to break me. I put my hand on the side of his face, putting our foreheads together, leaning in for a kiss. His soft cherry lips finally kissed my chapped ones after what felt like ages. He brought us incredibly close, to the extent of having no air between ourselves. When we kissed I didn’t feel butterflies, I felt swarms of bees sticking their stings on the walls of my stomach. I felt alive, like I would be okay and he would be okay. These kisses gave me a kind of peace I could never get tired of. He bit my lips leaving them red, exploring every corner of my mouth with his heavenly tongue. I combed his curls with my fingers while I sucked on his lips making them even more plump. I could taste his apple flavour mixed with my salty tears in my mouth. Soon, we were out of breath and had to take a break to get some air. My head was against his chest, his arms around my torso, my hands resting on the end of his back.  
“Will, can I tell you something cheesy?”  
“You already do that all the time so go ahead.” He giggled and I could finally see those big hazel eyes getting their vivid color back.  
“You're the only one that makes my heart beat. No. Scratch that. You're the only reason that I still breathe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/


	11. XI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

I looked through the window of my bedroom watching the snowflakes fall one by one forming little snowdrifts on the streets. It’s crazy how mother nature can form such simple yet fascinating things from iced water. These small beauties come from clouds, which are just some puffs of air and various gases, and every single one of them is different from the next one. Things like this astonish me. Another example is plants. They are the opposite of animals and human beings, but we can’t live without them. There’s also the almost infinite pallet of colors and the way flowers smell. If you pay attention to the little details of your surroundings, you come to the conclusion that the Earth is an unbelievable place, something that wouldn’t exist in your imagination. Even though we’re slowly destroying this place, it seems that nature always finds a form to persevere. It’s no coincidence that almost every religion says that the world is going to end because of some natural catastrophe.   
My eyes roamed the sky looking for God knows what when an arm wrapped around my waist, ending my chain of thoughts. I turned around and smiled seeing a very sleepy Will trying to open his eyes. He groaned, giving up and shoving his head against my chest. I caressed his wavy hair and scratched his scalp, leaving feather kisses on the top of his head.   
“Wouldn’t mind waking up to this everyday.”   
“I wouldn’t object to that.” I laughed. “Merry Christmas by the way.” He suddenly got up.   
“Oh shit, it is Christmas… Finally!” He looked like a small child jolting in happiness. “Stay right here. I’m going to get your present!” He gave me a small kiss on the lips and ran out of the room. I picked up his gift from the bedside table waiting for him to come back.   
Soon enough he appeared holding a small box.   
“Will! I told you you didn’t have to get me anything for Christmas.”   
“But I wanted to.” He pouted. “And you’ve been eyeing this everytime we go shopping.”   
“Ok, ok. But you have to open mine first.” I grinned. He sat in front of me cross-legged taking the wrapped surprise in his hands. Ripping the paper in a matter of seconds, his eyes widened.   
“I can’t believe it. I’ve been wanting this since forever, oh my god thank you!” He dressed his new galaxy sweatshirt and gave me a bone crushing hug. “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”   
“You’re welcome baby. And I still have one more thing to give you, but I’ll do it later.”   
“Ok. Now it’s your turn. Come on.” I sat on his lap, took the box and opened it carefully.   
“What the hell? Will! Do you know how expensive this is? I can’t believe you actually bought me this. Jesus.” It was the extra fancy set of paintbrushes and watercolors I saw everytime I went to the art store. “I love it so much. I love you so much.” I covered my face with my hands. “This is so great, I can’t handle this. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.” I put it on the table, hugging him and kissing every inch of his face. “Thank you a million times!”   
“I love you too and you’re very welcome. If giving you stuff gets me this, I’ll buy you anything.” He chuckled.   
“I can do this whenever you want, you don’t need to spend money for me to kiss you silly.” I kissed the corner of his mouth cheekly, trailing kisses down to his chin, leading to his jaw and neck. His head leaned back, giving me more space as I kept deepening the kisses and sometimes accompanying them with little licks ant bites. He put his experienced hands on both of my sides trying to steady me while I stood rubbing the skin of his hips with my fingers. He detached his lips to expel the prettiest of sounds.   
“I know you love your gift, but I need you to take it off. Please.” He did as I asked, exposing his upper body. He then set his hands on my face stroking my cheeks lightly. I held his hands kissing the palms and settling them on the bottom of my back. He smooched his lips against mine gently. His kisses were always so tender and soft, never rough. Sometimes they were needy. Most times actually. It was as if Will depended on them to live, like my lips were the cure to his problems. I definitely needed his to keep my shit together, his whole being is the string attaching me to reality. His lips had the type of innocence you feel when you’re very little and you think your home is the whole world. Because, in fact, this guy sitting in front of me is my home. Sometimes home isn’t the place where you live. Sometimes it’s a person: it’s who you feel safe with, who loves you and who you return to at the end of the day.   
With my torso safely secured within his arms, skin kept touching skin, fingertips kept brushing faintly, cheeks kept blushing and heavenly sounds kept exiting swollen lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/


	12. XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these are all the chapters I have written up until now. I'm currently working on new ones and a possible end to this story. I'll update soon.  
> love, alex.  
> trigger warning: there's mentions of depression, suicide and self harm.

It’s amazingly scary how human beings are replaceable. The world is so arbitrary it amazes me. When you finally find somebody transcendent, you lose them in a blink of an eye. They’re there and the next thing you know, they’re not. Or when you finally find an alluring person in this ordinary world, they don’t even glimpse at you. Indeed you don’t choose who you love or who loves you. We are biologically obliged to love our family and vice versa, but when it comes to romantic partners it’s a completely different story. You’ll get hurt, you’ll cry, you’ll blame God because of this unfairness. Maybe if you’re lucky enough, within the 7 billion people who walk the Earth you’ll find someone that finds stars in your eyes and galaxies in your soul.  
Throughout your life you meet hundreds of people, even thousands, and you think to yourself: "What guarantee do I have that this person, who I love unconditionally, will stand by me no matter what?". A wrong choice of words, a simple mistake can wreck a 10-year-old friendship, and you may never speak to that person again. We, imperfect human beings, take everything for granted. We don’t say “I love you” today because we think we have tomorrow. We’re wrong - what if there’s no tomorrow? Then we’d regret for the rest of our lives we didn’t say that thing to that person. We push people away, we ignore, we’re passive. On another note, if you keep expressing what you feel everyday, you’ll be considered needy and clingy. And we’re back to square one.  
“Hey, Josh, do you remember when we first met?”  
“Couldn’t forget even if I wanted.” I grinned. “You were so stubborn.”  
“Yeah, maybe. But only because I wanted to talk to you and someone insisted in ignoring me.” He looked at me.  
“You were a stranger that kept bugging me everyday." I shoved his shoulder. "You were basically a stalker. And you kept following me around in recess!”  
“Sorry about that, but you know that when I want something, I get it.” He leaned on me with the brightest of smiles. I snuggled my face in the crook of his neck inhaling my favorite scent, a mixture of his cologne and cucumber shampoo. It’s shocking how someone’s smell can be so addictive.  
My fingers automatically started intertwining his smooth curls.  
“You could have been less cringey you know. What even went through your mind when you came up with the riddle thing?” I laughed.  
“I suppose I was an anxious mess and felt too nervous to start a conversation with the boy I liked.” The tips of his ears turned red.  
Back in tenth grade, besides having no social skills whatsoever, I had just moved to Will’s school. So, when I caught him staring at me in the middle of a mundane history class, I immediately blushed and hid my face in my crossed arms. This continued on and off until a fortunate afternoon. He had poked my back, startling me. With eyes bigger than the moon and a body visibly shaking, he blurted out: “If you get this riddle correctly, you have to stop ignoring me and I get to take you out on a date. Deal?” He looked disturbed, confused and excited all at once - like he hadn’t had any control of his words. He probably hadn't. Nonetheless, I replied with a simple “Deal" and with a relieved expression he asked: “What falls standing up and runs lying down?”. Trying to suppress a giggle I said I didn’t know the answer. I swear to God I had never seen someone so happy in my 16 years of mortality. He was beaming like a ray of sunshine.  
We went on said date and ended up being right here, right now, in this eternal moment of bliss, with both of us cuddling on a rainy saturday morning. Looking through my balcony window I smirked.  
Rain. The answer was rain.  
That was (and will be) the only time I ever lied to my Will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/

**Author's Note:**

> if you want to contact me here's my email and my instagram page. don't be shy.  
> freckled.alex.moore@gmail.com  
> https://www.instagram.com/stained_seas/


End file.
